Crunchy. Granola. Hippy Dippy. Woo-Woo. Zen. Whatever you want to call it, I’m shouting out a warning that I’m "there" at this stage in my life. You might come here to find blogs more about self-discovery. As a writer, a woman, a friend, a daughter, and my god, especially, a mother.
I was at a place, in my forty-three year treck through this life, where I felt I knew who I was. Actually, I did know who I was. I was a writer, the best friend to a wonderful man, a happy wife with a happy life and two amazing kids. I’d spent nearly 20 years with a man who helped me build a fantastic family, the result of that being two amazing young people we brought into this world and showered with love and joy and hopefully good lessons. We made it a priority to let them figure out who they were and tell us as opposed to imposing our thoughts of what they should be on them.
It worked fucking fantastically.
So, see, I had it all figured out. I was with him. He was with me. Throw in two kids and we were all together. It’s because of that man, my best friend, that I am a writer today. He put all his stock in me. His faith, his love and his encouragement and I blossomed. I went from no stories to being in God knows how many books at this point. I've lost count. And my own books--all my own. And readers and followers and friends online. If he hadn’t been behind me 100% no one would have ever heard my voice because he gave me courage and I went for it because I had his voice in my ear telling me I was awesome.
Sadly, sometimes, when you think you have it all figured out—have all your bases covered—the Universe informs you that you’re wrong. And for whatever reason, a twist in fate I did not see and cannot understand, it changed the game on me. I am no longer a wife. I am no longer flanked by my best friend. I am no longer a co-parent. I am a newly hatched widow, single mother of two, who can often be found standing in the middle of some random room at any given time, wondering what the fuck now? And who the fuck am I now?
You might think, Why, you're the same person you were! You'd be wrong. You don't walk through that kind of fire and come out unchanged on the other side. (Yeah, I gave a little nod to Bukowski there. That was for my baby. ;) )
Instead of crawling into bed and crying over how unfair it is (trust me, it is unfair, and trust me I cry…I just try not to do it unless my soul truly needs to), I’ve decided to put on my hippy dippy clothes (an addiction fed by Christmas money, thank you very much. And probably more pictures than you'd care to see to posted as they arrive) and read my crunchy self-help books (I recommend YOU ARE A BAD ASS by Jen Sincero or BUDDHIST BOOTCAMP by Timber Hawkeye) and look at people I admire online and in my real life and figure this shit out.
I didn’t choose to change the game, but I have learned in said 43 years that if you do not adapt and grow from any given situation…you die. You lose. You’re out.
Why am I telling you this? Well, one to warn you that there are crunchy roads ahead. With posts on love and light and self-improvement and working out and yes, writing, of course. My writing might change, don’t know you, we’ll see. My online habits will definitely change. I am avoiding all things that do not bring me joy, and sometimes I find so much negativity online (sadly in the midst of so much positivity from the friends I've made over the years) it makes me want to bite my Buddha’s head off—and I like my Buddha! So I'm navigating online waters carefully until I'm emotionally stronger and saner.
To sum up: I’m changing. At least, I'm attempting to. I figured I’d give you a heads up. I hope you’ll stick around for the journey. The crunchy bits and otherwise!
Wish me luck.