Sunday, May 7, 2017
So tomorrow I plan to start a new book. And do some freelance. Freelance has pretty much been the only thing I've been writing for a while. I'd start things and then drop them. Start them, then drop them. Most recently was the book I was working on for NaNo. I got a good amount in and then phtttpht! I sputtered to a stop.
I have a book I'm pretty damn excited about. It's in my head, talking to me. Talking to me so much I was scribbling notes the other day at his apartment and J's like:
"What are you writing?"
"Yep. For a book."
It was kind of neat because he's never seen me in that mindset. It was a mindset I lived in constantly for many years. Then after Jim died I used writing as a retreat. Then the retreat became a prison. And then suddenly I found myself very happy and I only wanted to go to that place when I had to. Had. To. Which was weird and disconcerting because my identity is highly entwined with the word "writer". But I accepted it because forcing myself was even more disconcerting.
I am finally feeling the stirrings of excitement and joy for writing again. I've let go of the feeling that it's a retreat and residcoverted the feeling that it's my bliss. Writing got me through a fuckton of horrible days. It's how I kept my shit together. It was a blessing that I could so my job sitting by his bedside. It let me retreat from a reality that was often horrific. It was my coping mechanism, not just my job.
So I abandoned it when I remembered what happy felt like. I wanted nothing to do with it except the things I had to do to maintain income. I wanted to be happy. Enjoy my new relationships, my shifting life, my children. I wanted to spend this gap year for girl child with her and him and the boy and the other boy and do things. All the things.
Now, it's approaching girl child going away. I've been with J nearly a year. And finally, FINALLY, my brain is like, "Hey...you know that writing thing you used to wake up every morning excited to do? I'm thinking maybe we should do that again. Ya know? See...I have this idea..."
And the next thing you know, I'm scribbling notes on paper I pilfered from his printer and telling him he can't read them yet because he'll jinx me. I've come full circle, I guess. Joy-retreat-coping mechanism-secret hideout-necessity for income-joy.
Man, it feels good to be back.
Tomorrow I start. Today, I read! Let me know in the comments what YOU'RE reading. Or hell, even what you're writing if you feel like it.
I've missed you all! :)
I'm reading two awesome books. Here goes: